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Liquid Ass

So we've had another school shooting. By the time I post this, we will have had a few more. The NRA and President Bone Spurs would like us to arm teachers. Shooting another human being is not natural. Killing is not natural. Self-defense only feels natural when hand to hand combat is involved. Guns, even in the heat of  battle, are abstract. Perhaps the primary reason the United States has a volunteer army instead of a drafted one is that drafted soldiers are far less likely to actually fire at the enemy when the time comes. The kill instinct has to be trained into a soldier. It isn't natural, and it takes its toll on the soul. Plus, you'll probably miss and shoot an innocent student and die anyway.

So I offer a humble alternative. Well, maybe two, but one of them is actually entertaining.

1. ALICE training. Click on this. It's helpful.
2. Liquid Ass


Developed as a joke product, Liquid Ass makes an excellent deterrent to the progress of a shooter. Shooters expect their shootout to be their last act on this earth. They want their last act to be murder, the last feeling they gave others to be fear and the ultimate respect, the last sight to be carnage, the last smell to be blood.

They don't want their last smell to be Liquid Ass.

Here's what you do.


  1. Duct tape the tiny bottle above your door or keep it in your desk or taped onto your cart.
  2. When a shooting breaks out, spritz the Liquid Ass into the hallway, locking the door and getting students hidden (or the hell out of the building. Seriously, if you are on the first floor, get them OUT.) 
  3. Penny your door (coins in the cracks of the door to make it steadfastly locked shut forever) and stand at the ready to spritz the shooter in the face, should he smash your glass and attempt entry. 
The horrible surprise of the ass smell is a deterrent to the shooter entering your room or continuing down your corridor in the first place. 

I learned of this product on 99% Invisible. Click here to hear that episode. It's very enlightening. I just ordered a 4-pack of the stuff to distribute to high school students in Florida, New Hampshire, and for me. 

The tone of this post is light, but the subject is anything but(t). Any of you can be killed by one of these troubled teens. So can our students. In November, a few of our teens marched with a KKK flag outside my school at dismissal time. Extremely angry and resentful young men are feeling entitled to expose their hate and kill more than ever. Let's meet them with non-lethal force. The force of our intelligence, the force of our love, the force of Liquid Ass! 

Good luck and God bless. 

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